How To: Heal a Heartbreak

I recently had a friend go through a challenging and unexpected breakup. Trying to be there to comfort her, all my own breakup memories and feels came flooding back to me. I remember the dark, gray cloud that hung over me for the next 3 days. I remember the hurt, confusion, and desperation to break out of this funk. The feeling was that of being thrown to the bottom of a pit after feeling on top of the world. Trying desperately to claw my way back to the surface. Reaching for anything that might numb the feelings, distract from the heartache, and pull me out of this feeling of hopelessness and abandonment. It really kind of destroyed me for a minute there, and I didn't even love him?

Heartache is a strange thing. It’s so powerful and indescribable, which is probably why it is the source material for a lot of art and creative expression. People try to emote and translate these feelings into something to better understand themselves or help others understand everything happening inside that can’t be seen. Only felt.

As someone who has always had very little interest in boys and dating and has been the shoulder for friends to cry on repeatedly, it never made sense to me how someone could become so broken and devastated by something as “simple” as a breakup? You still have your friends, your family, a job, your life…. why would you lie around moping about someone who doesn’t want you anymore? And why would you still want him? While I still can’t understand why heartbreak affects people so profoundly, I now accept that it definitely does— and it is not a fun learning experience…

Heartache is a pain that can’t be healed with medicine and a good night's sleep. It’s not something that can be reached and wrapped with a bandage and kissed better by Mom. And that is what makes heartache such a difficult and agonizing healing process because, at the end of the day, all that can really heal it is time. While my heartache was definitely on the lower end of the pain scale, I thought I would still put together a list of things to do and steps to take to help through the heart-healing process….

Time.

We hate to hear it, and we hate to endure it. But this is the end all be all cure for heartbreak. The rest are essentially “painkillers” to help subdue the pain while your heart continues to heal.

Block Him.

Now I don’t know exactly how it ended for you, but for me, I didn’t feel the need to block. I didn’t block his social media, number, or anything like that (though I fully support this decision). Whatever you need to do for you!!!! However, if it wasn’t a toxic breakup and simply a “we didn’t work out” situation as mine was, then I think it’s safe to say blocking him from your stories is an excellent place to start. I know many people post-breakup tend to “revenge post”— Insta/Snapchat stories, pictures of you looking hot, thirst trap selfies, etc.— and you do you if that works for you! However, I have noticed that people find themselves in a deeper, darker hole when they see the ex doesn’t watch the story or doesn’t like the post, and they find themselves more broken up about them— like “Why doesn’t he care? Has he already moved on? I guess I wasn’t that special?” — or on the opposite end, does like the post, or does religiously watch social media stories— that can also lead down paths of “hopefulness,” and girl don’t go there. There’s a reason you are going through a breakup. Also, give yourself more credit than that. Don’t you think you deserve more than a “like” or a “view?” In the end, this means nothing. They fell short in some way, and being active on social media doesn’t mean he cares. It means he follows you.

Distractions.

Is it going out to bars? Hanging with friends? Getting out of town? Seeking creative outlets? Watching sad movies? Watching funny movies? It’s all of the above, to be honest. The worst thing you can do for yourself is dwell. In those first few days or weeks: DISTRACT, DISTRACT, DISTRACT. Do not let emotions be your guide. You need time and space to allow sensibility and logic to take the wheel again. This is what will allow you to reflect on some of the red flags you overlooked for the sake of making your relationship work or seem perfect. We also don’t want to be sending those late-night “miss you’s” or “thinking of you”— we are moving on, babe, and this is not helping anyone, especially not you. Leave him in the past. Tell yourself you’ll send that text one year from now, and see if you still want to by then…

Reflecting.

Break down the relationship. Remember details— and not through rose-colored glasses. Don’t sugarcoat it all. There was something wrong, or somethings… It didn’t work for a reason. Whether they ended it or you did, do yourself a favor and take them and your relationship off that pedestal. Did they disregard your needs, or you theirs? Did they gaslight you or ever make you feel small? Did you ever feel like you needed to hold a part of yourself back from them?

Read self-help books/poetry.

These will help you dive deeper into your own psychology and theirs. Are you “damaged,” or were they, or were you both (the most likely possibility). To be honest, we are all damaged in some way. “Damaged” has such a negative connotation, but I disagree. Our past, our traumas, our mistakes make us who we are. It builds character and strength. Our trials and tribulations are learning curves that continue to help us grow into the beings that we are. However, it is on us to learn from these traumas. To disregard, ignore, and allow these traumas to take hold and influence our decisions is a disservice to ourselves and others. Why would you ever want to be another trauma in someone’s life? Sort your shit out— don’t take it out on someone else. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t put yourself out here. That is a part of healing and learning, but don’t be a dick. Simple as that. When you can pinpoint the problem, you can address and fix it— or rather understand, heal, and move on.

Music

Taylor Swift. Listen to lyrics— you’ll feel less alone. Personally, I threw hatred at myself for a minute— “You’re such an idiot,” “How did you not see,” or “What did you do wrong”— but hearing lyrics from artists who have been through the same thing really helps to feel less alone or remind you that you are NOT stupid. Ironically what helped get me through it were more love songs than breakup/heartbreak songs because of the clarity and hopefulness they gave me. Love exists, and great love feels wonderful, and more likely than not, this relationship did not do this for you as much as you may tell yourself it did. However, I did go through a rollercoaster of breakup music. In fact, I have very organized playlists of such: Heartbreak Hotel, Songs that Hurt, Breakup Anthems, Healing, Date Night, I’m in Love, I’m in Love, and I don’t care who knows it! And in that order… However, I’m sure we are all aware that there will be ups and downs. Some days I’ll feel like my “fuck you” breakup anthems, and the very next day, I’m crying on the bathroom floor to “songs that hurt” or “heartbreak hotel,” lol. I find listening to lyricists or artists who can better put words and images to your feelings helpful when you feel like you can’t yourself.

Invest. In. Female. Friendships.

I can tell you 150%; this is what healed me. These relationships will make up for the loss of life fulfillment you may now feel you are lacking. While they will be that comforting, blissful, and supportive distraction, they will also be the ones that are going to build you back up again. There is a reason they love you enough to keep you in their life! They love your heart, and your humor, your laugh, and your mind… they love your adventurous side, your creativity, and your selflessness. They love how you make them feel and spending time with you. They will be the ones to remind you why you are someone that deserves to be loved. What he couldn’t see, appreciate, and love about you, they will. And they will be the ones to help you back up, dust off your clothes, fix your hair, and get you a little wine tipsy before your first date out post-breakup.

Date.

While this may be the last thing you want to be doing with your time, there are so many benefits to putting yourself back out there. You might meet someone that makes you realize how trash the ex was! Let some boys take you out. Treat you. Tell you you’re pretty again. Because likely ur ex stopped doing this at some point before the relationship ended. Remind yourself how hot you look outside the house and out of your tear-stained sweats. Put on a little makeup and a pretty dress, and make your date’s jaw drop… it’s kind of fun and feels really good(; However, there is a fine line to balance. Don’t let it make you feel shittier. Don’t pursue it as an act of desperation to find the ex's replacement. And don’t allow this to be your newfound source of self-worth. This should first and foremost come from you, but having a cute boy call you pretty again also doesn’t hurt (;

Go out.

Let some boys (or girls) tell you how pretty you are. He didn’t. Fuck him. Even if it’s shallow and temporary, use these randoms to help build your confidence back up. You are gorgeous, and you are worthy. Remind yourself of this daily, but it’s nice to occasionally get it from others as well ;)

Find a creative or emotional outlet.

I want to say writing. Let those feels out girl. Journaling, poetry, songs….because that’s what helped me. Your brain will feel FLOODED with emotions and thoughts, and it is overwhelming, to say the least. Getting it out on paper helps to clear the mind, but in excellent addition, it also adds some clarity and perspective! It’s like talking to a nonjudgmental girlfriend. Things you can’t see in a busy mind that a friend can see/identify from an outsider's perspective become apparent when you write and/or read your words back to yourself. There’s also art— make angry paintings or stab, uh, I mean stipple, your feels out with pencil and paper! Maybe you pick up boxing or running. Whatever sort of creative outlet allows you to express yourself and bring a little peace of mind.

Grow.

Don’t allow slack, and hold people accountable. As people, or women specifically, we are constantly working to improve ourselves. From personal experience, I tend to have negativity and hopelessness about this regarding men. But it’s essential not only for ourselves but for future generations to hold this standard for men as well!!!!! Don’t give them slack where we are putting in the work. Fuck that. Take this experience, learn from it, grow, be better, and FIND better.

Back to time. time. time.

It may feel like it goes on forever and ever. In fact, it may be literally, as the heartbreak in rejection is a trauma that follows you throughout life. It’s something we learn and grow from as humans. So you may carry it to your next relationship, but we are responsible for not allowing it to affect our new relationships. For our own good, but also to try our best not to contribute to the trauma train.