Never Have I Ever: Been In Love
Happy Valentine’s Day my loves <3
In the spirit of the holiday, I decided to take a unique approach to my blog writing when addressing the topic of love. Instead of speaking from my own experience, I thought I would ask you about yours!
I like to think I am capable of offering helpful and insightful relationship advice— I’ve done the research, I’ve talked to the experts, I study psychology and read self-help books. I see a therapist, I do the self-reflecting, I exercise empathy and understanding… I am in fact, very in tune with my mind and soul and have a steady finger on the pulse of the human condition. I love the art that comes from it. I love, LOVE!
However, I cannot say that I have experienced real ~love~ before. At least not the kind that all the music and poetry is written about. I experience so many great loves— in friendship, family, and myself. Which I believe are important foundations in finding the love. Though, I myself have never been in love.
I consider people bold enough to fall in love and suffer heartbreak multiple times in life, some of the most courageous and resilient people the world has to offer. Love is so terrifying to me, as it is essentially giving your heart and soul to another, and trusting them with your most valuable posession. If that person lets you down and breaks your heart, it is an awfully painful experience. A pain that can’t be reached or healed by doctors or medication, and has an unpredictable, but extensive, recovery time. There is no quick fix to a broken heart. It’s a slow and painful process, yet people subject themselves to this risk again and again. Why? There has to be a worthwhile reason for it? Something so inexplicably wondrous and rewarding that you are willing to put it all on the line for the chance to experience it. They say the greater the risk, the greater the reward, right?…
Since I spend a lot of time condemning men and loving myself, (as that is my experience thus far, lol)— I thought I would reach out to those of you who have indeed experienced what it means to be in love, and what that feels like… So about a week ago, I reached out to a number of friends, family, colleagues— anyone I thought might have something to share about being in love.
This is what people had to say:
“Love is like you’re standing on the edge of a cliff. Everything is beautiful up here: with its piercing blue skies, breathtaking views for miles, and crisp air you long for. The warm sun feels like an embrace around your body. It feels nothing short of a miracle, heaven even.
But any minute the ledge can crack leaving you in an abyss bruised and battered never believing you can make it back up there. And even if you do you’ll be skeptical, afraid of heights, never able to jump on that ledge with two feet ever again. One foot out keeps you safe, remember?
But what you learn is not every cliff is the same. Some have sturdy ledges, some have crumbly. The minute you notice the terrain crumble, make a run for it before the point of no return and your whole world comes crashing down losing yourself.
But when you do find a sturdy one, don’t go testing it with a sledgehammer, just because the last one fell apart. You’ll find the one in time, it just takes a couple adventures.”
~ Victoria Messier
Here we go lol…
I first knew I was in love when I found myself wanting to say it whenever we’d say goodbye, goodnight, or honestly any time we talked lol. There was no ah-ha moment but I knew it was love when I finally wanted to share my life with someone, where I felt like he was adding to my life rather than feeling like I was “losing my independence,” I smiled literally any time I talked about and to him, and I wanted to work through any challenge that we faced and come out even stronger.
The way he asked me to be his girlfriend was so sweet and thoughtful, it was seriously one of my favorite days ever. His family has a ranch and that’s where we had all of our firsts - first met, first convo, first kiss, first time really opening up, and it’s where we rekindled in 2021 when we weren’t sure if we should just be friends. So on June 23, 2022, we went to the ranch and he had a little scavenger hunt planned out. I wasn’t expecting it at all. In each part of the ranch that we have memories in, he had a little note, rose, and a picture from around that memory. At the final spot he explained I was holding 12 roses for the 12 months we knew each other, said some of the kindest words anyone has said to me, and asked me to officially be his girlfriend. That’s my absolute favorite thing about him - he is so intentional and thoughtful. I’ve had previous relationships and was in love twice before, but the love I feel for him is way deeper and just different from what I’ve felt before. It feels really mature, mutual, special, and HEALTHY.
After he asked me to be his girlfriend, we were going to bed and I said goodnight LOV—— and froze because I had no idea if he loved me yet. He said “what’d you say?” And I still didn’t respond. Then he said “I love you”(TECHNICALLY before I fully did lol. A debatable topic in our relationship). Our relationship was pretty unconventional compared to society’s standards. We were going on dates and seeing each other for almost 9 months before being “official”. But within that time we built such a strong foundation that I don’t think we’d have if we rushed into things. It’s all about the timing of you and your partner’s life, not the timing of society or others!
~ Kate Morley
In the words of a popular song from the 90s (coincidentally released the same year I was born), “What is love, baby?” That’s a question I’ve found myself wrestling with for the past few years. I heard recently that we only fall in love three times in life: the first is the young, innocent, puppy love that seems straight out of your favorite rom-com; the second is the hardest love that brings with it heartache and pain, but also invaluable lessons; and the third is the greatest love, the unexpected love, the love that breaks down all of your barriers and teaches you how to love again, the love that lasts. I’ve been “in love” twice — once as a young and naive 18 year old, and again in my early 20s shortly after graduating from college. And I have to say, both of those experiences are spot-on with the “three great loves theory.”
However, I thought my second love was the greatest love ever, my “knight in shining armor” and “happily ever after” that every little girl dreams of, and that society would have us believe in. Looking back, I think we were both still young and naive, and felt the pressure to “settle down” and do all of the things that you “should” be doing by a certain time of your life. Not to mention the fact that countless peoples’ advice is to “marry your best friend.” But is that the wisest advice? Is it worth it to ignore the red flags strictly because you believe that they are a “good” person and/or your “best friend”? Is that really what marriage, or love for that matter, should be? I’m here to tell you abso-freaking-lutely not. I was married for five years, two of which we were separated, and just got divorced this past Spring. And while some might view that as a “failure,” I choose to look at it as a victory. A victory for no longer choosing to ignore the red flags and withstand abuse. A victory for choosing to no longer settle. A victory for standing up for myself and the love that I deserve. So while this may not be your typical Valentine’s Day, everything is peachy and I couldn’t be more in love, romance, it is still a love story. A love story about a girl who chose to love herself first and foremost, and fight for the love that she knows she is worthy of. I can’t tell you yet whether or not the “three great loves theory” is true in the sense of experiencing the third greatest love from a romantic partner, but I can tell you that it exists. It exists in how you choose to love yourself, and it exists with the people and friends you allow into your life and choose to surround yourself with. Love is a choice, and the choice is up to you.
~Skylar Gross
Jordan is my high school sweetheart and we have been together for over 10 years. Every year we are together we learn so much about each other. I knew he was the one about three years into dating him in high school which seems crazy! He made me smile and laugh and I felt so loved. But most of all, his acts of service really showed me the type of person he was. We have walked through difficult years together but also joyous ones. The life and marriage that we have built together has had a foundation of God as the center. We love each other in different love language ways and I think understanding those ways is what has made our marriage so strong. Also with amazing supportive friends and family we have made it over a decade. Also the countless laughs and quality time we have spent together.
~Claire Bokal
I would just say for me, being in love with Sam feels easy and joyful. Relationship and love should make life more fun and easy for each other. Supporting each other and helping each other out even with small things. Always thinking about the other person and getting excited to share parts of your day when you get home. I’d say a big part of chemistry and love is being able to be comfortable with each other’s silence. Also laughter is a big part of love and being silly with each other.
~Emily Buchanan-Stoltenberg
Even before I knew I was in love with Luke, I knew I could easily fall in love with him. Our first kiss felt so natural and kismet. I felt comfortable with him from our very first meeting.
Now that we’re about to get married, I know I love Luke because I admire him and I’m fascinated by him. I never want to stop knowing him. Really, really knowing him.
Love doesn’t look like never disagreeing, or always having heart eyes for each other, but it does mean touching toes in bed at night even when you’re totally pissed off. Buying their favorite candy at the store, and putting the best pillow on their side of the bed.
Love, in my opinion, should not feel like butterflies. Instead, it should feel like a warm bath; a shoulder squeeze; a summer Friday. Luke gives me those feelings, and that’s how I know we are really, really in love. ❤️
~Morgan Ladd
We have been together 51 years and officially married for 45 years. We were high school sweethearts. He is the only man I have ever been with. We knew we were in love after the first or second year of dating. To feel in love at first felt like butterflies or even winning the Super Bowl; but now it’s more about comfort, safety, and teamwork. We knew it was love because we didn’t want to be with anyone else, just each other. One of the things we were drawn to about each other is personality, even to this day. We love that we built a family that loves spending time with us, that’s what made our love stronger.
~Patti & John Agos
How did your first real love help you realize other relationships were not real/right love?
I realized other relationships weren’t right when there was guessing or confusion involved. So many past relationships/(more like situationships) would leave me feeling unsure of what we were, or how he was feeling. Not getting a text or call made me anxious, I would read into every word, emoji, or lack thereof. This relationship was different because intentions were transparent from the first date!! I felt confident from the start, and communication was organic and easy. My advice: if you’re unsure if he likes you, or where you stand... there’s your answer. Find someone who shows you their interest from day 1 and pursues YOU!!
When did you first tell someone you loved them?
I first told him 6 months in (but I knew I loved him around 3 months in 🤫)
How did/do you know it was love?
I knew I was in love when I missed his company and wanted to spend every minute with him. I never felt socially drained (as a homebody this says a lot), I would leave our dates happy and excited about the next time I could see him.
What are some things you love about your person? What is a favorite memory/quality of your person?
I love that he doesn’t know a stranger, and has the most genuine and kind intentions. His strengths are some of my weaknesses (and vice versa 😉). He’s self reflective and always wants to grow as a person
Tell me about your love story— first date, fist kiss, first time you said I love you. A proposal story, marriage story, living with your partner, etc.
We met at a bar senior year of college, but didn’t go on a date until almost a year later… we’re from the same hometown, and he reached out to me after graduation when we moved home. Some may say he took too long to send the first text, but I’m glad he did because I wasn’t in the right place to be in a relationship in college. Timing is everything 🙌🏼
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I hate the saying “he completes me”… NO. he enhances my life by 100 and is my best friend, but I was a whole and happy person before I met him! I loved my life before I met him. I loved being single; doing my own thing. But I love being with him even more than being alone (which for people who know me) says a lot 😁
I think it’s really important to be happy with yourself before starting a committed relationship. I used to think “once I have a boyfriend, start dating, etc… that’s when I’ll be happy”... wrong. You definitely get what you put out… confidence and happiness PRE-relationship is key!
~Emma Zimmer
There is way too much to say about love. I love Matthew with my whole heart. I’ve truly never met anyone on the planet as kind, patient, giving, and as loving as he is. If I had to wrap it all up and not take a million years to explain I’d just say that love is not conditional. I have been so unlovely, ugly, hateful, harsh with my words, quick to speak and anger, slow to listen, irrational, impatient, selfish, unforgiving, and Matthew has met all of those awful parts of me with forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love unwavering for it all. Every time that I think I’ve been so awful as to deserve every ounce of abandonment he’s got... he stays. But, he doesn’t JUST stay, he stays with the same amount of love and cherish that he had for me in the beginning. As my girl Taylor would say lol, “he loves me like I’m brand new”… but long after my new has well worn off. He loves me when I am unlovable, when my walls go up and I push him away, his pursuit of me is the same. That’s how I knew it was love. Love is first exampled in the steadfast love of the Lord, never fading or changing. The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and mercy, loving me even when I do not act in love back to Him. The Lord is love and love is kind, not envious or boastful, not arrogant or rude, it does not insist on it’s own way, it’s not irritable or resentful, it keeps no record of wrongs, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth, it bears all thing, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. When Matthew’s love toward me mimicked the love I knew that God gives to me, this is how I knew it to be true love- not just infatuation. This kind of love stands firm through time, through the good AND the bad, for better AND for worse, through baby’s and stretch marks, depression and joy, grief and new birth, the list could go on and on. But, I aspire to love Matthew the way Christ loves me and he, as I hope I’ve expressed clearly, does the same with all meekness and gentleness.
~Chaeli Cunningham