Never Have I Ever: Had a Boyfriend (:

Some of the most frustrating and frequently asked questions I receive in my life are: “why are you single?”and “how have you never had a boyfriend?”

Personally, I don’t take offense to these questions, I am more so just confused by them. I know they are meant to pose as a sort of veiled compliment— because perhaps I am seen as deserving to have a significant other that showers me with love daily. Which, yes. That is true, lol.

The truth is yes, I could have a boyfriend— if that was something that I wanted, or there was someone that I wanted. However unlike an inanimate object, I have a brain, standards, and the astonishing ability to make decisions for myself. So yes, I could have a boyfriend, however I have never wanted one just to have one. I personally have always enjoyed my own company far more than the company of any man I have met thus far. I am, and have always looked for someone who will further enrich my life, rather than choosing the path most taken simply because it’s expected or “natural” to do so.

We are so lucky to exist in a time in which women are no longer in the position to rely solely on a spouse. We now have the freedom to walk away from a toxic situation because of the ability to pursue a professional career, have an income, and create a livelihood for ourselves. By embracing self sufficiency, a man is no longer required for creating that livelihood. For example, marriage used to be an economic proposition; Watch this clip from Little Women for a beautifully performed monologue by Florence Pugh. Granted this is from the 1860’s, so not completely applicable, though not entirely far off! It wasn’t until approximately the 1930’s that women began to join the workforce, and the 1950’s when it became more acceptable— though still not viewed as a legitimate lifestyle for women. It was still engrained in women from their early years that they be the homemakers; expected to seek marriage first, and become stay at home mothers later. In this arrangement, it does put women in the position to depend on spousal income for support of themselves and their family. I am glad to say that today either opportunity exists for women. By having the freedom to choose, marriage is no longer sought for as solely an economic proposition, but more so as a partnership in which two people choose to be together simply because it makes them happier.

So without further ado, I’m going to walk you through the phases of my life and how I made it through each of them without ***gasp*** a boyfriend!

Let’s take this back to the high school years, when most kids started dating. The answer to the “why no boyfriend?” question here is rather simple— no one was interested in me lol… In fact, I had asked my date to the senior prom. I definitely was not a popular girl or heavily pursued by the male population at this time, but I honestly didn’t mind. I would like to lend credit to my family and friendships of the time for this. They were the ones that gave me confidence by telling me I was lovable and making me feel like the exceptional, fun-loving, kind, and hilarious person that I am. During a time when we are so vulnerable and susceptible to external influences, especially the negative ones that tell us we aren’t good enough—I look back and am incredibly thankful I did not explore dating at this time. Remembering my insecurity and naivety at that time, I see how easy it would have been to manipulate, take advantage of me, destroy my confidence, and just how impactful a heartbreak might have been on me at that stage in life. Childhood trauma is powerful and long lasting. We are all still recovering from some form of childhood trauma long into adulthood, and I am grateful that I did not have to experience the pain and fear of young love and dating when worldly perspectives were still so narrow and emotions so heightened. This is not to say others who had highschool relationships should not have. In fact, some of my wisest friends had this experience, and some are still with their highschool sweethearts today!

Jumping to college— this was a time I thought I would be playing the field, going on dates, and getting a little boy crazy! Uhhhhhhhhhh… no. I was at Baylor University in Waco, Texas for about three months when I decided I needed to get the hell out of Texas lol! Thankfully, by the second semester I had joined a sorority that introduced me to amazing girlfriends that made my college experience a memorable and transformative one. However, I knew I was leaving Texas as soon as I possibly could. The boys here were not my type to say the least. Additionally, I had known throughout those four years I was going to move to NYC after graduation. So in my mind, there was really no point in spending time and energy on a boy that might affect the plans I had for myself. Therefore I focused my energy on my studies, girlfriends, and myself. Throughout my college years, I really spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was, as up to this point I had the personality of whomever I was standing in a room with. My people pleasing habits had manifested in a way that made it so I would be whomever someone wanted or needed me to be. Rather than feeling comfortable being myself, and letting those who didn’t agree with me or my lifestyle to disappear from my life, I adapted to make myself more likable to said people. This chameleonic personality led to a real struggle with knowing and loving myself. Though not nearly as insecure as I was in highshool, I knew that if I hadn’t learned to love myself before falling in love with another, I would be making myself very vulnerable to a toxic relationship and abusive men who prey on that insecurity. I am not sure where my deep-seeded trust issues originate from exactly, (tbd in therapy still lol), but I have always been hyper aware of the dangers of manipulation and the disguised ill-intentions people have. Though it is a toxic trait and trauma I need to overcome, it’s also proven to be a comforting defense mechanism that has protected me from a lot of heartbreak and difficult character building lessons.

Fast forward, I’m 23 and have just moved into my NYC apartment without a single job opportunity lined up(: I spent the first six months trying to find a job, as obviously this was top priority. I spent this time hustling— taking any internship, temp position, and one-off job opportunity I possibly could to make money, connections, pad my resume, and eventually land that full time job. Boys were the last thing on my mind. I did eventually land that full time role and was hyper focused. I wanted to be the corporate-ladder-climbing-girlboss who made it all on her own. The poster girl for sexy, self sufficient, glamorous independence! As time went on, the job began to wear on me. I worked late, I was constantly exhausted, I missed out on so many friend gatherings, trips, and adventures. What little time I did have, I wanted to spend with my close friends, which meant first date evenings were a HELL NO-go. Additionally, this was a time in which I really credit for my blossoming self confidence. I found out who I was, what I enjoyed, and everything I was capable of. Truly without this experience, the confidence I have today would not exist. It took a lot of courage, strength, determination, and endurance for me to make it; not only in New York, but to make my dreams (of the time) come true.

Finally we have caught up to today. Now we are here in Arizona, and I’ve had a lot of time with myself, away from distractions and busying activities. It has really allowed me to grow comfortable being with myself, rather than by myself. Two very different ways of what being single can look and feel like. Where there is a lot of self-deprecating humor about being single, which can be a funny and comforting way of looking at it, I also think it can be easy for one to fall into the belief that being single is a failure rather than a choice. I have always supported the ideology that you should not be actively looking for a relationship, and rather let a relationship happen. To clarify what I mean by this— I am not saying you should lock yourself away in a metaphorical tower waiting for Prince Charming. I’m not saying to not go on dates and not open yourself up to the opportunities that allow a relationship to manifest. What I mean, is that a relationship shouldn’t be the goal. A relationship should be a partnership, one in which each one of you brings something enriching to the other’s life. A life where you are each happier together than you are without. Unfortunately, a lot of other relationships are lasting because the fear of being alone is scarier than being together and unhappy. Let me emphasize all relationships have their ups and downs, but at the end of the day, your partner should be making you happy. If that is not the case, then it is not the right partnership. That is why it is so important to know yourself and what makes you happy. So that when you are ready, you are able to find and cultivate these worthwhile relationships. Dating does play a role in this, as this is another way in which to discover yourself and what it is you want and need from a partner.

For the last two years, I have felt ready and excited to explore the world of dating, and have very much so… I have been on more dates in the last 2 years than I have in the entirety of the decade prior. I found myself in my first serious relationship almost 1 year ago and dated him for about 4 months. We never made it to official “relationship status” as most of my friends and family did not even know of his existence. I have the habit of keeping my relationships and dating life very private as to not allow any external influences to have an affect on how I really feel. Discussing with family/friends sometimes causes doubt due to unintentional projections, or a focus on the wrong things, such as shallow traits. This is not the case for everyone, and I don’t feel this way because of any particular people in my life— I just allow myself the time and privacy to figure out a relationship before introducing it to external forces. I find this strategy healthy for myself, which is not always the case for everyone! Anyway, I dated this boy, let’s call him Boy A, for approximately 4 months, though I always felt like something was missing. He had checked all the boxes I assumed I needed in a partner: romantic, mental and emotional intelligence, financial stability, career drive, physical attraction, etc. But I never really got butterflies with him. After approximately four months, he ended things with me as he didn’t think “I actually liked him.” Which broke my heart at the time, though in hindsight he was correct. I wasn’t able to get to that point with him, though I do still look back at him with fondness, as he absolutely treated me the way I will expect from men in my future. This heartbreak led me to my second serious relationship, let’s call him Boy B. The prior relationship had helped me realize checking boxes doesn’t necessarily lead to love. I found I needed a partner who made me laugh, loved to have fun, and had a humble confidence. Much like Boy A, it took me approximately 3 months to develop feelings for the guy— though the breakup happened about 30 seconds later (no exaggeration lol). Though this one definitely did not end on good terms, there were important life lessons learned here as well. Fast forward several months, I have met Boy C. Boy C is sweet and intentional, and we have so much in common. Stay tuned to see where things go with Boy C, though as we have learned, I need approximately 90 days before I know for sure how I feel lol.

At 27, I have had so much time to grow and learn to love myself, that I can confidently say I am not in a position that any man who comes into my life will easily sway me, or cause me to lose sight of my goals and myself in a relationship. I love myself for my independence and for allowing the time to grow and learn before taking dating too seriously, as that is what I needed to do for myself. Everyone is different, and knows what is best for them. But a little advice, guidance, and big sister wisdom never hurts(: So whether you are single, taken, or in a toxic situationship, I hope everyone is able to take a little something from my own life experiences and allow it to help guide you in your own.

All my love,

K